So I don't really do posts like this, and it may not stay up for long. But there has been a lot going on these past few days: lots of emotions, lots of words said, and lots of thoughts to think.
I suppose everything started to get rocky around Wednesday. One of my friends had invited me to go to the Rock & Worship Roadshow with him and his college group. They had one extra ticket, and out of the friend group he felt that I would be the one that wanted to go the most. Well, one of our other friends in the group found out he was not invited, and threw a little temper tantrum. Now, I know it was a joke, so I just shrugged it off. And I shrugged it off again the next day. And the next day. And then that night, I had had enough.
Let me just preface this next part of the story by saying, I WAS NOT MAD AT THE FINAL JOKE. My friends make jokes like it all the time, and I'm used to things like that being said about me and the rest of us. The joke just happened to be the detonator to a situation that was bound to blow up eventually. But again, I WAS NOT MAD AT THE FINAL JOKE.
So, back to the story...Friday night/Saturday morning, this said friend made a joke to one of my other friends about me. I did not appreciate it, and it was just the final piece of the puzzle in my head. This friend has a tendency to take jokes that he makes too far. Some have been piling up for a few months now, and I had had enough. So I lost it...over text. First mistake there; never ever EVER start a fight via text. It will never end well. Anyways, the joke was made, and I confronted him in the possibly worst way possible. I completely lost it. I was text screaming, calling him names, and saying things I shouldn't have. And of course he can't tell if I'm joking about being mad or not, since all of this stemmed from him joking about being mad about the concert. I finally get frustrated enough that I just stop trying to talk about it around 3am.
Next day, everyone in our friend group is talking to each other about this situation. Except for the fact that he won't speak to me, and I won't speak to him. Everyone is talking to me about it or to him about it, but we can't talk to each other. I tried to talk to my best girl friend here about it, and I completely broke down. I could barely get three sentences out without just breaking into furious tears. I was so frustrated and upset, and I knew that I could never get my feelings across to him about all of this that I just cried. And I NEVER cry! Except at a really cheesy chick flick...or an adorable animal...but that's neither here nor there.
So, after a day of sitting on this hot mess, I decide to write him a letter. I attempt to explain that I'm not just mad at the joke, I'm mad about his attitude toward me and how he treats me. I basically tell him that I deserve a better friend than what he has been lately, and if things can't change, I'm going to have to walk away. I apologized for going off on him via text at 2am and that I left him confused about the whole thing. And I sent him this letter. I know, it's probably a cowardly thing to do, but I really feel it was the only way for me to be able to get all of those feelings and thoughts across to him.
After all this, I am exhausted; physically, mentally, emotionally, you name it. It is exhausting trying to be an adult! I prayed to God that night that he would restore joy to my soul; remind me about the good in life; give me something to keep going through these next couple of months. Sunday morning, I get a text from not one, but TWO of my best friends telling me they were both in town. I was able to spend the day with Stephen and Mandee and of course my cosmic twin Brittany. We went to eat, went bowling, played N64...it was just the perfect end to a terrible weekend. It really lifted my spirits. Bottom line, GOD IS AWESOME! He totally has my back.
Looking back on all of this, there is so much I would have done differently. I would have tried to confront said friend earlier about how I feel about our friendship. I would not have started it over text. I would have somehow found the composure to talk about all of this in person. Maybe this whole situation is God's way of saying "You're time in Springfield is most definitely done. It's time for you to move on to bigger and better things. I promise there are people out there that can love you and accept you for who you are without any regrets or compromises." It just sucks to think that the few friends I had left here are possibly gone from my life now.
I don't know how things will turn out between me and said friend. I'm not sure that we can be friends anymore, which sucks, because we really did all have a good time together...when it was good. Maybe there will be some way to mend all of this and make these next few months great. Maybe I will just have Brittany left from this group, which for now is more than enough. Brittany has been awesome through this whole thing, and I'm feel so bad that she got caught in the middle of all this. But no matter what, I know God's hand is in all of this. I'm daily praying for his guidance about all of this, and about my future. I just know I have to be patient and wait for his decision. I feel like I've done all I can for now. And now it's time to wait.
Wow...this was a longer rant than expected. So sorry! I doubt that anyone will read this, but I had to get it off my chest one last time. Maybe it will serve as a learning tool for me in the future, a reminder of what to do in situations like this. Oh well. Until next time!
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